A.P. Lawrence

The Tragedy of the Pcuni

Sun Mar 21 20:32:03 GMT 2004 The Tragedy of the Pcuni

As some of you may know, my auto license plate is "PCUNIX". I've had a few people come up and introduce themselves after spotting me in a parking lot, and others have not known of this site but have asked me if I "do" Linux or Unix because of the plate. That's all fun, but very often I get someone who asks "What's 'pee-kunicks'?".

Ahem. I'm not a cruel person but sometimes something just takes over. I hesitate for dramatic effect, and then say "It's a small furry marsupial, native to eastern Australia, and now, sadly, quite extinct". I then fixate on them with a look very similar to that seen on Mel Gibson in his more recent interviews with Barbara Walters. You know, passionate, perhaps just a little bit insane? But friendly.

Most people either sense a gag or have heard all they want and go on their way. For those that are dubious, I quickly fess up. But every now and then I get a live one with time to kill.

"Why do you have it as your license plate?", they inquire.

My eyebrows furrow. "Because I am concerned about the destruction of our earth's species. Because the 'peecuni''s extinction was particularly tragic and senseless, and although it is a small thing, I feel I am at least doing something that might prevent another species from suffering the same fate. But I'm boring you."

If I'm lucky, I'm talking to a genuinely concerned person here who probably is at least tangentially aware of our vanishing ecosystems. But there's something wrong, isn't there? "I don't think I've ever heard about this..", they cautiously say. I'm quick to interrupt.

"Pcunix Australopicus? Even up through the 1980's there were breeding colonies. I'm sure you've seen them on the Discovery channel. Really adorable little things, and so trusting and naive..". My voice trails off.

"What happened?". My invitation has arrived.

"Well, of course the Irish tomato blight was the start of it."

You will probably notice that I said "tomato", not "potato", but I'm speaking quickly now and they almost never really notice. Their eyes may flicker slightly, but I've already pressed on:

"Linuxia Lycopenus is the virus, and it started killing off Pcuni when the first Irish settlers arrived. But the breeding population was so large, it took many many years to bring them to the sipping point." Yes, I say "sipping", not "tipping". Just part of the fun.

"It's much like Jesse Dutch Helms disease, you know. Very debilitating for the poor things - they actually die of consummate thirst. So pathetic, their little tounges hanging out, and there's not a damn thing you can do for them - good as dead at that point!".

Now who is going to correct this madman on Dutch Elm disease with that mental image in their heads? Well, even if they want to, I'm rolling now.

"So by 1987 we're down to 13 breeding pair. Federally protected of course; actually it was the elder President Bush who signed the legislation."

What American legislation has to do with Australian marsupials might get the beginning of a head shake but I'll keep going if I can. You might know that George H. didn't become President until 1988, too.

"And then we have the Griswolds, stupid American tourists, lost in the Outback where they never should have been anyway." Yes, the Griswolds - Chevy Chase, National Lampoon's Vacation. I have to talk fast now because the fish is starting to feel too many hooks. And of course the Outback is North Central Australia, not Eastern, but they've probably forgotten about that by now.

"They killed all thirteen pair BECAUSE THEY MAKE A NOISE LIKE CRUSHING BUBBLE WRAP WHEN YOU STEP ON THEM!". At this point I'm leaning toward my victim with my eyes wide and wild. Some people seem a little frightened, though most have burst into laughter by now.

"And then they ate them, of course. This license plate is the least I can do".

If the poor person is numb and looking for a way to escape, I'll crack a smile and tell the truth. Few get to that point, but I'm always hopeful. The poor Pcuni deserve nothing less.

(More lighter fare at http://aplawrence.com/Lighter/)

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